my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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