I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
