They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
