Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
