I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
