he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
