Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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