And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
