I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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