i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Randomize
