Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
