No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
There's always time for handjobs
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
