Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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