"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
