things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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