im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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