i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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