You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
