You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
