Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
