I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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