everyone is single if you try hard enough
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
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