She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
you made out with another girl for some wings
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
