6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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