I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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