My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
