you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
it's like iHOP with fire
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
