Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I booty called her while she was in labor.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
