Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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