remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
