So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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