shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
