i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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