What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
