I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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