apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
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