i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
