ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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