the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
