I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
