I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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