I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
