His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
