I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
