i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
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found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
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For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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