If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
