I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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