Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
