I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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