Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
