I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said