Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?