why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
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Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
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you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.