I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
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its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
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FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.