Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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