He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
