I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
