don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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