Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
