I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
