Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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