I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
As shirtless as possible
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
