saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
